Want to Find Your Purpose? These 10 Things Are Stopping You — Kieran Drew

January 16, 2021

“The greatest tragedy in life is not death, but life without purpose” — Rick Warren

Imagine looking back at your life and realising you made little difference to the world. That you made no impact or had no purpose.

Some people have their mission figured out from an early age, knowing who they want to be and what they want to achieve. As someone who has wrestled with a lack of purpose my whole life, I used to be jealous of these people. Deep down, I knew I could make it. But that wasn’t enough.

You need to know what it is you want to achieve.

Finding a purpose is hard at the best of times. But there are things holding you back. This article will explore 10 areas of your life you must take control of if you hope to find your calling.

1. Other people

“Don’t let the noise of other people’s opinions drown out your inner voice” — Steve Jobs

No one knows you better than you. But everyone loves giving their opinion about what you can and can’t do, about what’s important and what’s not.

These views are just projections of people’s own beliefs, formed from their own experiences. They are limitations people impose on your own attitude — even though they don’t apply to you. But when we accept these beliefs, we make them our own.

Two groups of people have the biggest impact:

1. Authoritative figures
2. Your 5 closest friends

We are psychologically inclined to trust people in authority, even if they’re wrong. The time we’re most susceptible to this? As children.

This is why we give so much weight to our parents’ advice. And why one teacher can ruin your potential solely because they didn’t believe in you.

Consider the definition of authority bias: unrelated to its content. Why the hell would we take life advice from our secondary school history teacher? Mine was a drunk racist.

And yes, parents mean well, but they’re not the same as you. They don’t have your unique skills or interests. Their advice is past the sell by date. They don’t understand how technology is revolutionising education and how the internet can be leveraged for success.

Instead, they tell you to go to University, take on loads of debt, get a stable (boring) job and settle down. Good advice for 20 years ago, but times are changing.

“Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future”

Studies show our 5 closest friends have a huge impact on the people we become.

If you aren’t selective about your inner circle, you harm your potential more than you realise. Being serious about purpose means cutting out the dead weight in your life.

Consider your friends. Do they add value to your life? Do they make you feel good and allow you to be who you want to be? Or do you shape yourself around them. Be wary of these things:

• A pessimistic view of the world
• Constant negativity
• Poor values
• A lack of respect for others

Choosing your friends is like building a team for the life-long project of living well. You should be selective — you don’t want to work with people who will hold you back. A great team means a great life.

2. Your job

Often, dreams don’t line up with jobs. Becoming the next Picasso is tricky if you work full time at a computer repair shop.

Half your waking time is spent at work. You either use this time wisely, or waste it.

Mark Cuban, the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, knew early in his career he would own a business, but he didn’t know much else. He realised technology would play a huge role in the future, so he became a computer software salesperson despite having no clue about it.

He sold his first computer company for $6 million. 9 years later he sold his next for $5.7 billion. If he took on the easiest job, or the one that paid the best, he may never have learned the necessary skills.

I’m not suggesting you quit your job tomorrow morning. Most employment offers some form of value depending on how you frame it. Don’t turn up to simply watch the clock and wait for Friday evening. Instead, be the best at whatever role you fill. Look for opportunities to develop key qualities such as:

• Communication
• Information technology
• Sales and persuasion
• Leadership and management
• Finance
• Mindset

By focusing on these things, you develop what Scott Adams refers to as a skill-stack. They add up.

If work is out of line with your goals, it’s time to make a change. It may mean starting fresh and stepping outside of your comfort zone, with less pay or moving to a new location, but changing career could be the smartest decision you ever make.

3. Your mindset

“The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life. It can determine whether you become the person you want to be and whether you accomplish the things you value.” — Carol Dweck

Unless you aspire to be a human slug, you need to grow into your purpose.

Growth is about development. If we aren’t progressing, we stagnate and become demotivated — quitting before we give ourselves the chance.

For purpose, we must be in a constant state of evolution. To do this, we need a growth mindset.

A fixed mindset is painful. Trust me, I’ve been there. I had a lack of self-belief from my perception of the world, and this became reality. But it can be changed. It’s about changing how you view failure and challenges.

There are two ways to go about life:

• Trying to look good to others
• Trying to actually be good

The former causes you to act from fear, worrying about appearance. You avoid challenges because you don’t want to look stupid.

With the latter, you focus on development. When growth becomes your aim, you stop signaling to other people. You can dive deeper into your passions.

Often, people fail to find purpose because they don’t have the necessary skills. But just because you don’t have them now, doesn’t mean you won’t have them later. With commitment, you can learn. The internet provides you with the resources.

Believe you can, and you will. Think you can’t, and you won’t.

4. Your Priorities

Purpose won’t magically appear. People spend their whole lives wishing for it, but if you want it — make it top priority. It’s not enough to say you want a purpose in life, then spend your free time watching Netflix and scrolling mindlessly.

Working a full-time job or having family commitments isn’t a good enough excuse. Most of the world is in the same boat. If you’re serious about your purpose, you have to make it happen.

I made the commitment to wake up 3 hours before work to pursue mine each day. You should also be selective with your time and attention. It’s tough, but the reward is spending your life doing what you want.

5. The Rat Race

What’s more important: Making a lot of money or getting paid doing what you love?

If it’s the former, read no further. Your purpose is money. Find the highest paid job, work as much as you can and make sure you spend it to let people know you’re a success.

Money is an easy purpose. You turn up and measure your worth by your bank balance. It’s simple to measure. It’s straight forward to make. It doesn’t require you to question your meaning in life.

But it isn’t a good purpose. It is a tool. When used properly, it buys freedom. Used poorly, it ties you down through purchases and lifestyle.

“There is an excellent correlation between giving society what it wants and making money, and almost no correlation between the desire to make money and how much money one makes” — Ray Dalio

By overvaluing money, we let it cloud our purpose. It’s easy to do; money propels society forward and for that to happen effectively we need to be sold on the collective dream.

As Daniel Gilbert explains in Stumbling on Happiness : the fundamental needs of an economy and the fundamental needs of a happy individual are not the same.

In other words, we have been conditioned to believe more money leads to more happiness because that is how economies thrive. There is no consideration for the reducing marginal utility: The more money you have, the less useful it becomes.

When everyone is chasing money, it’s hard to not get sucked in. At university I had dreams of flashy cars and lavish parties. When I qualified, I took on two jobs and traded every hour in my week to earn. I was making over £150,000 a year in my mid-twenties and felt like a king. For one day a month.

The rest of the time I was miserable. I was trading my happiness for money, but selling it far too short.

The pursuit of money for money alone is a shallow one. Focus on your passion, and the world will reward you.

6. Your experience

If you’re yet to find your calling, broaden your horizons. We live in our own segments of reality, our most comfortable habitat. Our identities are formed around our experiences within these environments. Your purpose may lie outside it.

Discovering a different side of life offers new perspectives. Consider Jay Shetty, an inspirational social media icon. He explained how seeing a different life to his current changed his trajectory:

“I was at business school doing pretty well for myself, had a few offers from some great companies. But when I travelled across the world, I was shocked by just how much pain, struggle, and anguish people had to go through to have basic necessities.”

If he stayed in London, he would’ve kept his view narrow — getting a job in finance. By expanding his awareness, he became a monk. He now uses his talents to inspire millions.

We don’t have to shave our heads and take vows of silence to find our purpose, but new experiences will help you see life in a different light. You might stumble across something that resonates.

If money or location is stopping you from new experiences, pick up a book. As author George R.R. Martin explains: A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies.

7. Destructive habits

You won’t find purpose at the bottom of a crate of beer or at the end of a boxset marathon.

Our actions often misalign with our desires. We justify destructive habits, ‘getting it out of our system’ or ‘letting loose’. But we use these habits to avoid the cold hard truths of life. We use them to feel better, but what are we feeling bad about?

Purpose offers a solution. It gives you a reason to live. You don’t have to escape reality when reality is where you want to be.

Dr Benjamin Hardy poses this question to identify things you do that hold you back:

What am I currently doing that my future self would not accept?

I didn’t enjoy this. I realized more changes were required in my life to take it to the next level. Those indulgent weekends of doing nothing would have to go if I hoped to pursue a purpose while working a full-time job.

My habits were limiting my future — what are harming yours?

8. You’re stretched too thin

I know, I know — I’ve said you haven’t experienced enough and now I’m saying you’re experiencing too much. You can’t win.

Try out new things, but be prepared to double down. High level aspirations require high levels of commitment. And whether you like it or not, you can’t commit to everything. A jack of all trades is master of none.

Have hobbies and interests, but as time goes on become more singular in your focus. Remember, this is your life’s purpose. As Robert Greene explains in Mastery: to master a field, you must love the subject and feel a profound connection to it.

People think passion comes first. But the opposite is true. Passion must be nurtured, the fires fuelled. This is done with time and depth.

“Passion comes after you put in the hard work to become excellent at something valuable, not before.” — Cal Newport

Narrow your desire to maximise your results.

9. You quit too early

We live at a time of immediate availability. We’re used to things happening fast, and with minimal effort. I can order pizza to my doorstep faster than I can cook one.

But unfortunately, purpose isn’t pizza. Perhaps you can relate:

You take on a new project, skill, or hobby, and you become obsessed with it, spending all your time either thinking about it, learning or practicing it. You feel great. Finally, you have a purpose.

But then the excitement wanes. Progress is slow, the results poor. You start spending less time on it. Soon you persuade yourself it isn’t your calling at all.

If you rely on motivation, you will quit at the first hurdle. Purpose is about persistence. To quote Angela Duckworth, author of Grit:

“Enthusiasm is common. Endurance is rare”

Grit is about turning up each day through the challenges and setbacks. It means fighting self-doubt and the resistance we feel when we strive for something greater than ourselves.

True grit is rare, but can be developed. Make a commitment to yourself and people around you when you find something you enjoy. Set up a schedule that reduces decision fatigue so you no longer rely on willpower. See your purpose as your duty.

Great results are found in the long game. Success is about sticking with something longer than other people.

10. You’re scared to be different

Whilst everyone wants more from life, few have the stones to take action.

Pursuing purpose makes you different in society. People are chasing the goal of status and money, and when you draw a line in the sand and decide to focus on a different target you step away from normal convention. This is uncomfortable. People will judge you. It makes you question yourself.

But I have one question: why the hell would you want to be normal?

Look around. Everyone is miserable. People lack direction and waste their lives chasing small goals at the cost of their dreams.

Society promises you happiness within the commercial dream, but few find it there.

If being normal means living without meaning, working a job you hate and spending your free time distracted by a screen whilst life passes you by — then choose to be different.

Embrace your uniqueness. Screw the status quo. You decide what’s important in your life.

Conclusion

Striving for purpose is the hardest thing you will do. It’s easy to remain in the shadows of your dreams instead of shining a light on them. But there will never be a more worthwhile pursuit. Purpose gives life direction. It gives it meaning.

Make sure your environment isn’t holding you back. When you look back, you’ll thank yourself for deciding to live for something more.

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Originally published at https://kierandrew.com on January 16, 2021.